Culture

Why I’m Obsessed with the Seder

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Like many mostly-extroverted people, I love a good dinner party; I love the idea of people sitting around for hours over good food and wine talking about deep things, sharing stories, reminiscing and maybe even singing. And the most magical thing is, that at a great dinner party, a group of strangers can leave as friends. So it’s no surprise that my favorite Jewish ritual is the ultimate dinner party: the Passover seder. Hours of storytelling, four cups of wine, multiple courses of food, and as we learn in the Haggadah (from a group of wild rabbis who recounted the exodus from Egypt for so long that their students had to come tell them it was time for the morning prayers), the longer the seder goes the more KfP (Kosher for Passover) brownie points we get in God’s book. 

Which leads to the story of my longest seder, where I sat around with a crew of rabbis and friends into the wee hours of the night. It was my last year of rabbinical school and we gathered in an apartment in Columbia University graduate student housing. Each attendee planned a part of the seder and with 25 eager folks, there was a lot to cover. I had walked the 15 minutes from my apartment in the early evening in flip flops and a tank top, enjoying the balmy warmth of a mid April day. But when it was time to walk home after helping my hosts clean (around 4 am) the ground was covered in snow! We had discussed the exodus until the seasons had changed!

So now you know that my dream seder is long and deep with meaning, the wine is plentiful and the carpas (dipping appetizer) course has enough apps so that no one is mad that the main meal begins at midnight. Of course, I have learned that not everyone wants an eight hour seder (including my own wife and in-laws! In fact, our parents met for the first time at a seder I hosted and my father-in-law was very jealous that my dad felt comfortable to just nap through the long discussion from his reclining spot). But in my many years of seder attending, planning and hosting, I have learned a few things I am excited to share. Because no matter the length of your seder there are a few things that make a seder magical:

  1. Be present. Turn your phone off. Decide how long you can be present and just be in the moment for that time. I would say at least two hours is a good guideline if you are able!
  2. Ask questions. Whether you are the youngest attendee asking the official four questions, someone older or in between, ask any question that pops into your head during the seder. This will make you the dream guest and everyone else will benefit from your asking! When I was in college my family attended a seder in Jerusalem hosted by an Orthodox friend of mine and her family. My dad and brother were asking questions every five minutes and the hosts were overjoyed – we found ourselves walking home at 1 am! 
  • Be vulnerable. This is at least half of why I love the wine element of the seder (the rabbis have a saying “the wine goes in, the secrets come out”), but you don’t need wine for vulnerability. Come ready to learn, like I said above, don’t be ashamed of what you don’t know. Be ready to share yourself and receive from others in return.
  • Meet someone new or get to know someone in a new way. I always like to have new faces at my seder, but even the one year that I was just with my immediate family (at the Mayo clinic before my mom’s stem cell transplant), I made sure to get to know new things about them over the seder evening.
  • Eat good food. (I think this one is self explanatory)
  • Connect to our history and connect that history to the present. Every Jewish person is obligated on seder night to see themselves as one who personally was freed from Egypt, so make sure you do that, but also use that as an opportunity to think about who in our society is not free today and renew your commitment to do something about it.

At the end of the seder we say next year in Jerusalem. This year I will say “next year in Philadelphia” (as my family prepares to move to the city in May!) I hope to host many of you at my table in the coming years – and I promise to let you go home before the seasons change!

 

Some of Rabbi Megan’s favorite Seder Resources:

 

More Resources for your seders: 

One Table Passover Resources (including an abridged Hagaddah I helped create last year!)

Youtube virtual seder hannel

Seder Plate: New Imaginations from HIAS https://www.hias.org/sites/default/files/hias_illustrated_journeys_seder_plate.pdf

Understanding the Seder Plate through the lens of Mental Health https://www.haggadot.com/clip/mental-health-interpretations-of-the-seder-plate

Welcoming people to our seder https://www.haggadot.com/clip/welcoming-all-an-inclusive-passover-reading-1

Yachatz-What is still broken? https://www.haggadot.com/clip/the-matzah-of-peace

A Woman’s Dayenu https://www.haggadot.com/haggadah/womens-seder-1

For a haggadah of Inclusion-Understanding all our children https://www.haggadot.com/haggadah/inclusion-haggadah-0

Philly Purim Guide 2022

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Purim is officially around the corner which means it’s time to break out your favorite costumes (who’s showing up as Gritty??), eat delicious hamentashen cookies and celebrate until dawn! We’ve created a guide of some of the best Philly Purim festivities and spots to grab those tasty treats. Know of any Philly Purim activities or foodie spots to add to our list? Email kayli@tribe12.org!

Week of Purim

Thursday, March 10th

• 8 PM: Hamentashen Bake-a-long with Tribe 12’s new Executive Director

Monday, March 14th

• 8 PM: Biblical Babes – Esther with At The Well

Tuesday, March 15th

• 5 PM: Hamentaschen Making with Moishe House Philadelphia
• 8 PM: A Celebration of Persian Jewish Music in Honor of Purim with The Weitzman National Museum of American Jewish History

Wednesday, March 16th

• 6 PM: Erev Purim Megillah Reading and Purim Shpiel with Congregation Rodeph Shalom
• 7 PM: Monte Carlo Purim Masquerade 2022 with The Chevra
• 8 PM: West Philadelphia Orchestra’s Purim Party

Thursday, March 17th

• 5:30 PM: Purim Block Party with BZBI and Mekor Habracha
• 6 PM: Philly Purim Festival 2022 with RSJ Moishe House Philly

Week after Purim

Sunday, March 20th

• 1:30 PM: Purim Car and Walking Parade & Mitzvah Food Program Drive with The Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia

Monday, March 21st

• 7 PM: Hamentaschen Monologues Discussion with Moishe House Philadelphia

Thursday, March 24th

• 7 PM: Jews and Brews – Purim with Moishe House Philadelphia and Jewish Grad Network

Anytime

• Host a Purim themed Shabbat dinner with OneTable
• See Marc Chagall’s “Purim” painting at the Philadelphia Art Museum

Hamentashen Fix

• Lil’ Yenta’s at Biedermans Grocery (starting March 9th),  V Marks the Shop (starting March 14th) and with Hamentashen for Ukraine (weekend of March 12th)
• Essen Bakery with Hamentashen for Ukraine (March 5th – 20th)
• Lipkin’s Bakery
• Kaplan’s New Model Bakery
• Hymie’s Delicatessen

The Problem With Valentine’s Day, According To Our Matchmaker

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I am a matchmaker and, it has to be said, a total grinch about Valentine’s Day. I’ve come to realize that this Hallmark holiday is bad for absolutely everyone: the unattached, casual daters, early relationships, couples, throuples and everyone in between.

The original sin of Valentine’s Day is that it is, at it’s heart, a giant commercial ploy. Worth on V-day is measured by dollars spent (see: pink explosion in chocolate aisle at the drugstore). If you buy the slightly smaller heart shaped box o’ chocolates, will her friends convince her you don’t actually love her? If you buy him a watch this v-day, will you have to buy him jeweled cufflinks next year, and a Ferrari the year after that?? These considerations are ridiculous, and yet the recipient of your gesture will most likely judge its worth by $$$ too, influenced by whatever pop-culture societal-norm Kardashian-sister soup we’ve been fed our whole lives.

Valentine’s Day can be particularly brutal for someone who is single, whether by choice or circumstance. Lovers of romcoms may know that the day after Valentine’s Day is informally known as “Singles Awareness Day” which abbreviates to “S.A.D”. That pretty much sums up how society views singles on and around v-day — a subgroup to be pitied, scorned or both.

That type of noxious thinking oozes all the way through February. Magazine covers scream “Top 27 Unexpected Places to Meet Your Next Bae!” Your most obnoxious coupled friend will inevitably post an insult-as-compliment like, “single friends, don’t despair — your soulmate is OUT THERE!!!” Tis the season to lob the word ‘single’ at the unattached like a grenade all month long. What a heartwarming tribute to the month of love!

Have you noticed that identifiers like “fat”, “queer” and even “nasty” have been reclaimed and worn with pride, but the world ‘single’ is still used like a four letter word? Singleness is a temporary, unwanted state of being, the thinking goes — so what’s there to reclaim? This ignores the fact that singledom can be a conscious choice, with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross and Fran Drescher describing it as a decision made from a place of empowerment rather than necessity. That outlook is equal parts badass and totally legitimate. It’s a reminder that when a friend tells you they are single by choice, don’t greet them with condescending puppy eyes, and definitely don’t set them up your cousin’s boss’s neighbor. Be a partner and champion of dating choices, full stop.

Hot take: Valentine’s Day is also really, really bad for couples at any stage. Budding romance? Here’s your first big test about how serious you are, but careful not to come off as clingy and desperate or cheap and unavailable! Engaged or newlyweds? Prove yourself worthy of my endless love with an over-the-top grand gesture that I will judge you against for the next decade! Married for 50 years? Don’t you dare recycle old ideas or give a gift that is purely sentimental — am I worth that little to you?? You see how this can make your head spin. In a couple, Valentine’s Day is less of a holiday and more of an abandoned field of land mines. Enter at your own risk.

People in relationships that fall outside of conventional relationship binaries and iterations have to navigate even more complexity. For those who identify as asexual (having little interest in or desire for sexual activity) or aromantic (lack the feeling of romantic attraction), the typical trappings of Valentine’s Day might be irrelevant or downright offensive. Why should you have to endure endless condom commercials and diamond ads during the Super Bowl; the cringey expectation to buy flowers or write a heartfelt card; lovey-dovey couples making out on your crosstown bus? The message is clear: if I experience attraction or romance differently, I am still subject to the unwritten, arbitrary rules of Valentine’s Day. Gross.

Like with other made up holidays (…really IHOP, National Pancake Day? seriously?), the only way to win the game is not to play at all. Regardless of who you are or who you date, consider this an invitation to opt out of all things Valentine’s. That includes spending money, giving gifts, planning surprises, booking trips, fancy dinners, or obligatory sex (we’ll save my bottled-up fury about that for another day).

And listen… if you are a lifelong worshipper of Valentine’s Day with family traditions and fond memories somehow attached to it, I get it. I won’t ruin the February version of santa for you. As long as you’re the one deciding whether or how you celebrate, all choices are healthy choices… except maybe that giant heart-shaped box of 100 chocolates that goes on sale on February 15th. You should probably put that back on the shelf.

 

Danielle Selber is Tribe 12’s in-house matchmaker, connecting young professionals who are dating in Philadelphia’s Jewish community with each other and the community at large. To view Valentine’s-adjacent events or book a virtual coffee date visit tribe12.org/matchmaking.

Happy National Singles Day! Kind Of!

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Our matchmaker Danielle on how we can take this pseudo-holiday as an invitation to stop using ‘single’ as a four letter word

It’s November 11th — happy National Singles Day to you!!!

Oh, you’re not familiar? Well, I’ve been a matchmaker for eight years and I was today years old when I found out about it. It turns out it’s observed in China, celebrated by many of the 200 million single people who live there. And get this — it’s China’s biggest day of commerce of the year. China, the world’s largest economy. What?! This merits a history lesson.

National Singles Day is all thanks to a group of partnerless students who attended China’s Nanjing University in the 90s. Way before self-care and self-love were trendy they wanted to celebrate their status and have an excuse to shop for themselves for a day. The charming reason why they chose November 11th? Because 11/11 looks like a group of single sticks! Adorable!

In a deft consumerist move, China’s biggest retailer, Alibaba, co-opted the day from its humble roots and turned it into a massive Chinese commercial holiday. Today it’s in the same realm as our Black Friday or Cyber Monday but makes about a gabillion dollars more. Their National Single’s Day even has an opening gala and concert in Shanghai, headlined in various years by Taylor Swift, Pharell, and for some reason Nicole Kidman.

So why has China’s biggest day of commerce somehow stayed off the radar in America, where empowerment and consumerism are totally going steady? One reason is probably because Veteran’s Day is also observed on November 11th, a national holiday known for somber reflection and gratitude for our troops. Since Veteran’s Day has been in place since Woodrow Wilson, I think it wins the calendar spot. At some point, someone in the US declared the last Saturday of September “National Singles Day”, but try finding even one person who knows about it. Keen observers of romcoms may know that the day after Valentine’s Day is informally known as “Singles Awareness Day”, which unfortunately abbreviates to S.A.D and correspondingly is not super popular with its target audience.

There is also the notion that despite many hashtags to the contrary, being single in America is still taboo. There’s a relic of thought, probably left over from when my grandmother was in the dating pool, that every person who is single is hideous AND desperate to be coupled AND has a closet full of literal or figurative skeletons.

Old stigmas (and pop culture tropes) die hard. I was watching an episode of The League from 2011, which was juuust before online dating really became a thing. Andre is the show’s hapless, perpetually single also-ran, always on the prowl but with terrible dating instincts and an even worse wardrobe. He shows his friends his online dating profile (NSFW) and is mercilessly teased for needing to succumb to dating on the internet (Sidebar: in kind of a cool ironic twist, The League is now the name of an elite dating app which has 100,000 Americans on their waitlist).

The implication on the show was that is that only a certain kind of guy dates online and that the women who would be waiting there would be literally Shrek. Time has flipped that notion on its head. Today, online communication is the safe haven, a way to “put yourself out there” without actually ever going out-there. Even pre-pandemic, I observed that people were terrified to approach someone in a social setting, and would instead DM them from across the room or try to find them on a location-based app like Grindr.

So if the stigma of online dating has slowly melted away, why haven’t the stereotypes about the daters themselves? My gen Z brother in law told me it is no longer cool to be ordinary, that identities are currency — the more the better. But where identifiers like “fat” or “Indian” and even “nasty” have been reclaimed with this kind of pride, “single” has not enjoyed such a status change.

I’ve noticed that single is seen to be, by nature, a temporary state of being. If it’s just a stop on the train to marriage-town, there would be no impetus to build an identity around it. But as nice Jewish girls like Tracee Ellis Ross and Fran Drescher can attest, being single has become a valid and conscious choice for many. There is power in the notion of a constituency of one that you choose to solely serve. Learning to enjoy one’s own company and find happiness in solitude is now as Insta-worthy an act as a photo of a fresh new relationship.

Even the tropes are shifting. In the series finale (spoiler alert!!!) of Crazy Ex Girlfriend, main character Rebecca has to choose between three men and chooses… none of them. This tracks because the show is the brainchild of comedian Rachel Bloom who is #selfrelationshipgoals in real life, too. She also has an epic rap battle (extremely NSFW) with her childhood Hebrew school nemesis — totally irrelevant, 100% fantastic.

So what can we do about this persistent stigma and the word “single” being flung at people like a grenade? The basic basic is to show respect for whatever status people identify with and to not assume that all people who are unpaired are desperately clawing at walls for a mate. As a dating professional, my personal rule of thumb is not to reach out to people about matchmaking — if they want to come to me, they know where to find me. Being single is not a disease to be cured.

We can also stop letting our biases about singledom inform our choices about how we treat our unpartnered friends and family. Maybe your aunt at a holiday dinner, asking who you are dating with a worried expression, could laugh goodnaturedly when you reply “Bradley Cooper”. Maybe instead of being put at the “singles table” at a wedding, you get seated with your friends who are coupled.

When we start to respect that being single can be an intentional, chosen identity, our tone and language will naturally change to meet that paradigm. If “singles” are well on the path to empowering themselves, let’s be partners and champions of that.

Danielle Selber is Tribe 12’s in-house matchmaker, helping young professionals in Philadelphia’s Jewish community find what they are searching for. Learn more at tribe12.org/matchmaking.

 

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash