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LGBTQ

The Problem With Valentine’s Day, According To Our Matchmaker

February 13, 2022 by Danielle Selber

I am a matchmaker and, it has to be said, a total grinch about Valentine’s Day. I’ve come to realize that this Hallmark holiday is bad for absolutely everyone: the unattached, casual daters, early relationships, couples, throuples and everyone in between.

The original sin of Valentine’s Day is that it is, at it’s heart, a giant commercial ploy. Worth on V-day is measured by dollars spent (see: pink explosion in chocolate aisle at the drugstore). If you buy the slightly smaller heart shaped box o’ chocolates, will her friends convince her you don’t actually love her? If you buy him a watch this v-day, will you have to buy him jeweled cufflinks next year, and a Ferrari the year after that?? These considerations are ridiculous, and yet the recipient of your gesture will most likely judge its worth by $$$ too, influenced by whatever pop-culture societal-norm Kardashian-sister soup we’ve been fed our whole lives.

Valentine’s Day can be particularly brutal for someone who is single, whether by choice or circumstance. Lovers of romcoms may know that the day after Valentine’s Day is informally known as “Singles Awareness Day” which abbreviates to “S.A.D”. That pretty much sums up how society views singles on and around v-day — a subgroup to be pitied, scorned or both.

That type of noxious thinking oozes all the way through February. Magazine covers scream “Top 27 Unexpected Places to Meet Your Next Bae!” Your most obnoxious coupled friend will inevitably post an insult-as-compliment like, “single friends, don’t despair — your soulmate is OUT THERE!!!” Tis the season to lob the word ‘single’ at the unattached like a grenade all month long. What a heartwarming tribute to the month of love!

Have you noticed that identifiers like “fat”, “queer” and even “nasty” have been reclaimed and worn with pride, but the world ‘single’ is still used like a four letter word? Singleness is a temporary, unwanted state of being, the thinking goes — so what’s there to reclaim? This ignores the fact that singledom can be a conscious choice, with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross and Fran Drescher describing it as a decision made from a place of empowerment rather than necessity. That outlook is equal parts badass and totally legitimate. It’s a reminder that when a friend tells you they are single by choice, don’t greet them with condescending puppy eyes, and definitely don’t set them up your cousin’s boss’s neighbor. Be a partner and champion of dating choices, full stop.

Hot take: Valentine’s Day is also really, really bad for couples at any stage. Budding romance? Here’s your first big test about how serious you are, but careful not to come off as clingy and desperate or cheap and unavailable! Engaged or newlyweds? Prove yourself worthy of my endless love with an over-the-top grand gesture that I will judge you against for the next decade! Married for 50 years? Don’t you dare recycle old ideas or give a gift that is purely sentimental — am I worth that little to you?? You see how this can make your head spin. In a couple, Valentine’s Day is less of a holiday and more of an abandoned field of land mines. Enter at your own risk.

People in relationships that fall outside of conventional relationship binaries and iterations have to navigate even more complexity. For those who identify as asexual (having little interest in or desire for sexual activity) or aromantic (lack the feeling of romantic attraction), the typical trappings of Valentine’s Day might be irrelevant or downright offensive. Why should you have to endure endless condom commercials and diamond ads during the Super Bowl; the cringey expectation to buy flowers or write a heartfelt card; lovey-dovey couples making out on your crosstown bus? The message is clear: if I experience attraction or romance differently, I am still subject to the unwritten, arbitrary rules of Valentine’s Day. Gross.

Like with other made up holidays (…really IHOP, National Pancake Day? seriously?), the only way to win the game is not to play at all. Regardless of who you are or who you date, consider this an invitation to opt out of all things Valentine’s. That includes spending money, giving gifts, planning surprises, booking trips, fancy dinners, or obligatory sex (we’ll save my bottled-up fury about that for another day).

And listen… if you are a lifelong worshipper of Valentine’s Day with family traditions and fond memories somehow attached to it, I get it. I won’t ruin the February version of santa for you. As long as you’re the one deciding whether or how you celebrate, all choices are healthy choices… except maybe that giant heart-shaped box of 100 chocolates that goes on sale on February 15th. You should probably put that back on the shelf.

 

Danielle Selber is Tribe 12’s in-house matchmaker, connecting young professionals who are dating in Philadelphia’s Jewish community with each other and the community at large. To view Valentine’s-adjacent events or book a virtual coffee date visit tribe12.org/matchmaking.

Filed Under: Culture, Dating, LGBTQ, Trends

I pretended to be a bear for Rosh Hashanah

October 14, 2020 by Davinica Nemtzow

I’ve always described myself as “nerd adjacent”. My Netflix list is almost entirely made up of documentaries, the highlight of my 21st birthday was that I could go to the Franklin Institute after hours, and my ideal date is spending a full day learning obscure animal facts at the aquarium. However, I’ve never felt inclined to dip my toe into roleplaying games like D&D and Live Action Role Playing (LARPing) even though my partner’s main hobby is playing D&D and my roommate is literally a professional LARPer. That is, until this Rosh Hashanah. 

During our most recent Shabbat (Gay)me Night, the LGBTQIA+ tribe virtually came together to play Honey Heist, a one-page roleplaying game in which you have two stats: CRIMINAL and BEAR. Now, you might be asking, “What made this (Gay)me Night different from all other (Gay)me Nights?”. While Honey Heist is a game available to everyone, this particular iteration was designed just for Tribe 12 by my roommate, the professional nerd. Our Game Master (GM) introduced the evening with the prompt “Rosh Hashanah is just a week away, and in a turn of luck Honeycon 2020 has just begun! Held at a large wilderness retreat; fans and purveyors of honey from all over will gather for a weekend of tastings and more; you’ve even heard a rumor that someone will be selling rare Black Orchid honey. Your crew is ready, the convention is open; if all goes to plan you’ll be having a sweeter Rosh Hashanah than ever before!

While we worked together to figure out puzzles and hatch schemes to steal the honey—including an elaborate ruse in which my bear, who was dressed in a B&W striped shirt and a beret, seduced the lead singer of the featured band by trying to pass off bear sounds as French—the game was filled with many delightfully Jewish easter eggs. The camp map was actually just URJ Eisner Camp in the Berkshires, the main stage had a shofar blowing, you could get samples of round challahs in the vendor hall, and we were given clues like “The note just says shana tovah”. 

However, our treasure trove of stolen honey wasn’t the sweetest part of this game. For a few hours, I could truly enjoy the new year with friends without having to contort my celebration to fit all of the safety regulations of the pandemic and the grief of losing RBG. I tried something new, I released the expectations of what Rosh Hashanah “needed to be”, and I spent time laughing with my queer Jewish community. Somehow, playing a Jewish pickpocket bear named Misha checked all of my boxes for entering 5781. 

This was an incredibly fun game for well-seasoned gamers and newbies alike and I’m looking forward to incorporating it into my Rosh Hashanah celebrations for years to come. If you’re interested in our monthly LGBTQIA+ (Gay)me Nights, come play Codenames with us on October 16. I promise you, this isn’t your bubbe’s Mahjong night at the JCC, it’s likely a lot more tame and a lot more friendly.

Filed Under: Adulting, Cool Stuff, Event Recap, LGBTQ, Philly, Social

Remembering Stonewall to Protest Racial Injustice

June 17, 2020 by Ross Weisman

51 years feels like an eternity.

In 1969, astronauts landed on the moon and the earliest version of the Internet popped up. For queer folks and allies during June, we also remember the Stonewall Riots, the linchpin of the modern-day LGBTQ Rights movement arguably began.

Before the Stonewall Riots, actions coded as queer were criminal offenses; if your clothes or demeanor were seen as too different from the typical Christian heterosexual person, you would be arrested. Being outed as queer could get you fired. By the end of the 1960s, several covert gay/lesbian clubs popped up around the country. The police routinely raided and arrested patrons of underground gay bars, and LGBTQ people had had enough.

On the night of June 28th, 1969, undercover cops tried to raid the Stonewall Inn, but those in the bar – especially trans people of color – refused to go. More police came, and a riot broke out. Some say bricks were thrown, others say drink glasses and rocks, but this was the breaking point. A mob of queer people shouted “gay power” and sang, causing the world to wake up and look towards this small bar in the middle of New York’s Greenwich Village.

That was an extremely shortened version of the full story (I’m reading Stonewall Riots: Coming Out in the Streets by Gayle E. Pitman). It was a time of unrest, where the public wasn’t on the side of queer people, and things had to get loud and uncomfortable for change to come.

As a gay man, I’m in awe of what previous generations had to go through to be accepted and heard. And 51 years later, the world is waking up again, this time to police brutality and racial injustice.

No one has the luxury to remain silent anymore. It is our responsibility to stand up and support these protests calling for fair treatment and institutional change.

In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality as a mental disorder. Just this week, Merriam-Webster is amending their definition of racism to better reflect the systemic issues faced by people of color. The tides are turning, and Jews/LGBTQ people know the feeling of the world against them and the need to speak up.

In the 1960s, Rabbi Abraham Heschel stood with MLK and other Civil Rights leaders. He famously said, “When I marched in Selma, my feet were praying.” Jews remember our past, so it’s troubling to see history repeating.

To the queer folks reading this, happy Pride Month. Let us remember the riot 51 years ago that changed the world forever, and support the ones going on now.

History will remember.

Written by yours truly,

Ross Weisman, Engagement Associate at Tribe 12 

Interested in have virtual coffee with Ross? Set up a time like right now! 

Filed Under: Adulting, Culture, LGBTQ, Philly, Social, Social justice

Matchmaking FAQ

March 26, 2020 by Danielle Selber

Hi, it’s Danielle, your friendly neighborhood matchmaker! Thank you for your interest in Tribe 12’s matchmaking initiative. Let me tell you a bit about it so you can see if it’s a good fit for you!

♥ COVID-19 note: as you can imagine, things have shifted during this time and we have moved both my conversations with people like you and all of our events online. I’ve updated the information below to reflect this new normal.

Who is matchmaking for?

People who are…

  • → Dating in the Philly area (either living here or willing to date here)
  • → In their 20s and 30s
  • → Jew-ish in any way you personally define it
  • → And by the way: any gender identity, any sexual orientation, any relationship structures!


What is Tribe 12?

Tribe 12 is a donor-supported non-profit 501(c)(3) organization. Our mission is to connect people in their 20s/30s to Jewish life and community in Philadelphia today so they will choose to stay connected tomorrow. You’re on our website right now!

Why does Tribe 12 have an in-house matchmaker?

I watched my religious friends use traditional matchmaking to find love and thought, why can’t everyone have that kind of help and support? I started this matchmaking initiative in 2014 and it grew organically, today taking up about 75% of my work time. My other hat has a significantly less groovy title, Assistant Director, which means I support our staff as they work to achieve our mission.

What happens after I connect with the matchmaker?

After I get to know you, my goal is to give you access to my network of hundreds of people in their 20s and 30s who are dating in Philly’s Jewish community! Here are some ways that plays out:

  • → Be your own matchmaker: Recommendations and introductions to communities, organizations and events where you may meet like-minded people on your own
  • → Invitations to rooms you should be in: Our public Tribe 12 events, series and opportunities which match your interests; plus private, curated dating events which are invitation only
  • → Personal introductions: Connecting you directly with someone else I have met with one-on-one


How much does it cost?

Since we’re a non-profit, we ask for a completely optional, one-time donation of $36 (which can be completed now, later or never at tribe12.org/donate) for keeping you in mind in this way. There is a Jewish tradition is to give your matchmaker a “gift” for a successful match – so if my connections result in you meeting someone great, I’d love for you to consider giving a donation of any kind to Tribe 12 then, too.

What’s the catch?

I like to be transparent ahead of time that this suggested-donation-service we provide is pretty hands-off, especially compared to what a matchmaking firm or dating coach would offer. If you are looking for that level of personal attention, here are my top three recommendations of people I know personally: Michal at Three Day Rule, Aleeza at Marriage Minded Mentor and Jessica at Fass Pass To Love.

OK I’m in! How do I book a time to speak with you?

Three options for your virtual convenience:

  • → Fast: Add yourself to my calendar for a real-time virtual chat! I have a certain number of spots a month so that is why this option includes a longer wait to chat.
  • → Faster: Add me on Whatsapp and leave me a video, voice memo or text with some basic info about you! I’ll reply with questions and we’ll go back and forth asynchronously, up to a week, til I feel like I have the information I need.
  • → Fastest: Add me on Marco Polo and leave me a video message with some basic info about you! Same as above — we’ll go back and forth asynchronously til I feel like I have what I need.


I wish they had this for my demographic / city / organization / religion / whatever!

We are just starting to explore what it would look like to help others start a similar matchmaking initiative in their communities because as far as we know, we’re the only one! Set up a time to chat if you want to explore the possibilities.

Filed Under: Dating, LGBTQ, Philly, Uncategorized

Celebrate Life, Love, and Lenny!

August 16, 2018 by Ellie Levy

Ellie Levy is a member of the Young Friends of National Museum of American Jewish History board, which provides an opportunity to connect and network with other young professionals during social gatherings, educational programs, and holidays. NMAJH holds an exceptionally special place in Ellie’s heart, because NMAJH is where her husband proposed!

 

Did you know before the musical West Side Story, there was East Side Story? The original plot focused on the conflict between an Irish Catholic family and Jewish family living in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, during the Easter-Passover season. The conflict was to be centered around anti-Semitism, of the Catholic “Jets” towards the Jewish “Emeralds.”

Leonard Bernstein composed the music for the Tony Award winning production. He was a major figure in orchestral conducting and acquired superstar status for his eclectic pieces, which fused elements of jazz and theatre, bridging the gap between classical and popular music.

Bernstein is noted to be one of the most prodigiously talented and successful musicians in American history. He trained at Philadelphia’s very own Curtis Institute of Music and had a career on the international stage. Lenny even conducted an open air concert for the troops of Bersheeba in the middle of the desert during the Arab-Israel war. He also deeply struggled with his sexuality. As a gay man, he chose to marry a woman to dispel rumors about his private life and help secure major conducting appointments.

The Young Friends of the National Museum of American Jewish History will be hosting a centennial birthday party for Leonard Bernstein on August 25th (the date of his actual 100th birthday)! A Midsummer’s Eve: Celebrating Life, Love, and Lenny! will be a glamorous evening filled with dancing, schmoozing, an open bar, and desserts. Guests will have the opportunity to explore the special exhibit Leonard Bernstein: Power of Music illustrating his life, Jewish identity, and social activism. Through immersive films and interactive media you begin to understand how the talented musician received world-wide acclaim. In addition, to his strong desire to further social change and equality.

Come join the birthday party and have some cake! You can get your tickets here.

 

 

This is just one of many cool events hosted by some of our organizational partners. Learn more about our partners and find more upcoming events at gobejewish.com! 

Filed Under: Cool Stuff, Culture, LGBTQ, Philly, Social

Passover Events Around Town

March 20, 2018 by Rachel Waxman

Passover is almost upon us! This one happens to be my favorite Jewish holiday… Partially because I have always loved watching The Prince of Egypt and drinking copious amounts of wine. But I’ve also been known to dork out over the Exodus and all the magical pieces of the Passover story. More recently, thanks to some of the things I’ve learned from At The Well, I’ve been loving Miriam’s story, learning more about her leadership style, and thinking a lot about what it means to break out of slavery and into freedom this month.

Me and one of my sisters at last year’s Passover photobooth. My mom is a pro when it comes to pleasing the millennials!

The first night of Passover is Friday, March 30th! I’ll be hearing the story of Passover as told by mother, who wrote her own Haggadah and narrates her own original Passover play every year – costumes, mics, props and all.

As you may be able to tell, I come from a line of Jews who always find the freedom to be creative within the world of our ancient traditions. And in the vein of freedom, creativity, and tradition, here is our list of must-see Passover event options in and around Philly:

 

1. JEVS Career Services 13th Annual Women’s Seder

Celebrate hope at this Seder! You’ll hear from various women in the JEVS network about how benefitting from JEVS parallels the promise of the Passover Seder experience. Insiders Tip: this event is happening at Green Valley Country Club in Lafayette Hill, which is just off the 27 bus.

 

2. First Person Arts & NMAJH host 6th Annual Freedom Seder Revisited

What does freedom mean to you? Gather around the Passover table and hear from storytellers and performers from the Philly community. This interpretive Seder will create space to explore the meaning of freedom in America today. Plus you’ll have access to NMAJH’s newest exhibit, Leonard Bernstein: The Power of Music.

 

 

3. Grad Network’s Annual First Night of Passover Seder

Always a crowd favorite! For those who can’t be with their family & friends back home for Passover, join the grad students and young professionals of Philly this first night Seder! The evening including a traditional (yet slightly abbreviated) Seder, kosher dinner, and of course plenty of wine. L’chaim!

 

4. Chabad Young Philly’s First & Second Night Seder

Both of these dinners are totally free for young professionals: no cost, zilch shekels, FREEdom for all!

 

 

5. Rodeph Shalom’s Congregational Second Seder

Join in on this family-friendly, intergenerational Seder led by the clergy at Rodeph Shalom. Pro tip: this event is BYOB!

 

 

6. LGBTQ Passover Seder

Another crowd favorite! Come over to Kol Tzedek on April 1st for an inclusive, LGBTQA, family-friendly Seder. For more info as the event details come together, contact Rachel A at Tribe 12.

 

 

You may have noticed we have some killer resources over on our digital hub, gobejewish.com. Maybe you’ve seen our job board or our directory of all Jewish orgs in Philly who work with 20s / 30s… Of all the awesome features on gobejewish.com, our favorite is definitely the community events calendar. The gobejewish calendar aggregates all Jewish events for Philly’s 20s / 30s IN ONE PLACE.

It’s looking like an awesome Passover lineup this year… and these are just the highlights! Check gobejewish.com for the full Passover events listing.

Filed Under: Cool Stuff, Culture, LGBTQ, Philly

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